4/9/2023 5:16pm

I don't think I'll ever be able to quit vaping or smoking entirely. It's too comforting to me. I wish I could tbh. I need another coping mechanism that's as efficient as the emotional reset I get from nicotine. I just can't imagine getting through a really hard day at work without it. same with weed tbh. I recently ran out on a Wednesday before getting paid on Friday, and instead of holding off until my payday like I should have, I overdrew my checking account so I could get some cash to buy a cart to hold me over. But like the rest of that week was so bad that I genuinely would have logged tf off if i didn't get high after those shifts. It's sad, but like. this is late capitalism. the nature of work is so devastating that we cling onto the things that help us get through even if those things are hurting us. i don't think that other generations depended on substances as much as we do today. Like not only do i feel like i need to puff a vape every time i get too stressed at work but im also taking amphetamines so my broken brain can keep up with what is being demanded of me. All while we are understaffed and overbooked and taking on things that we don't have the manpower to efficiently do. I don't want to blame my addictions on the state of the world. it seems like a cop out. I know it's my fault for getting myself to the point where I need chemicals to get through the day. But I think that it's also ronald regan's fault partly too. For killing unions in the 80s. A bunch of other guys are at fault too. CIA guys and Joe Biden. That bitch Kirstin Sinema who voted against the minimum wage increase. So whatever. Since I have no power and I'm doomed to live paycheck to paycheck until I die, just as planned by the empire, I might as well be high as fuck when I can be. I don't care. *woof

4/4/2023 10:55am

i have a zoom call w my psychiatrist in a little bit. I hope she doesn't tell me to fuck off since i dont have any money. im pretty sure im overdrawn in my checking account becayse i paid rent and then took cash out of the ATM after because i realized i needed to buy weed. so i took out 80 which means that i probably am around -90 bucks. im too scared to open my banking app. but i get paid on friday so im sure it will be fine. i hope. my credit score? not so much. Its bad I think. Also too scared to check that. oh well tho! who needs it. That shit is FAKE anyway. I already trudged through the 7 circles of securing an apartment and we're already here so as long as I don't get evicted, we should be cool. appointment in 20 minutes now. I'll keep writing after. WOAH IM back! its 1147 now. my psych let me know that since theyre getting rid of the covid extentions for telehealth services, im gonna have to drive up to see her in June. She says I should be fine if I refill before May and she advised me to stock up my addies in case we hit any roadblocks. So yeah, I'll have to drive to anaheim in June and do a short visit with several other patients who are going to have quick checkups and get vitals checked. She said after that, we should be good to refill for the rest of the year. The united states is so insane. But at least this team of health care providers are doing what they can to help people get the meds they need. She's a nice lady. I feel bad that I lie to her a lot (like how I tell her I dont smoke weed lol). But what can you do. Not like thats the most detestable thing I've ever lied about. Anyway, I have some chores to do so I'm signing off. Proud of myself for wiritng 2 weeks in a row! nice! *woof

3/27/2023 7:11PM

yooooooo what is up. I haven't used neocities in a fat minute. speaking of fat lmao hello. its me. im fattttt. sigh. i need to work out. anyway heyy! long time! i've been really into reading surreal blogs lately. like ive been obsessing over blowfly girl lately. i find her like. weirdly inspring? idk why. maybe it's just about how she speaks/writes from her heart without censoring anything that other ppl might not like to read. it kindof inspires me to do something similar. like maybe that would helpme grow through the trauma ive lived through and inflicted on others. like thats not something i feelcomfortable and happy sharing tho, which is very different than what blowlfy girl posts. She is proud of the disease and rot that she's inflicted on herself. I am not proud that i've poisoned myself in my youth. I'm not proud to have hurt those that i love that that trusted me.. so maybe im different. maybe im just someone who needs to outgrow her devious desires. maybe i can outrun them. maybe my fucked up brain has healed the sections of rot and mold that has taken over all those years ago. when i was 10, i had a very bad porn addiction. I watched every day after school, because my parents weren't there. i would watch insane things. increasingly horrific things that tainted my brain and made me into the perverse, remorseful cretin that lives on today. I hate that i did that. I haTE that I opened myself up to that evil as a child. But. then i think? isn't this apt? for the type of deviant i've always been? I lie to my family a lot, about how much i remeber from my childhood.normally, i tell them its all a blur. honestly im shocked that i was not molested, because it could have been a very good excuse for my early behavior. But no. I was always purely perverse. I had a large Mickey Mouse doll as a child, which was about the same size as me. i was very often compelled to enact anything that i considered to be remotely "naughty" with this mickey plush. i had to have been 5-6 by the setting i picture this occuring in, so all i would really do is get naked under the covers with my plush lover and touch my genitals awkwardly. As I sit and think about this more (i am like 1/2way trhru a bottle of peach bellini) i recall a few times when i would lay in the middle part of our gross, blue/white-striped couch, which had a middle seat that could be reclined into the cup holder. I would become very aroused in my child body by laying beside the mickey plush and lowering the large section of couch over me, creating pressure over my entire body, like i was being squished. On a regular basis, I would be found by my mother or father, naked and engaging in performed sexual acts with the mickey mouse doll. the open, smiling mouth of mickey mouse had been dyed brown by my unending, wet kisses. his clothes barely hung since i had so harshly and frequently ripped them from is body. so yeah. I don't know what was wrong. obviously the issues started long before any of my deepest, most detestable sins had been comitted. this was before i had seen porn. before my child eyes had bore witness to the depths of human perversion and depravity. perhaps we as humans, are all born predisoposed to a deadly sin. this would make since for many of the men in my life. My father's sin is probably pride, my mother's is... perhaps also pride? I'd have to thinkl asbout it longer... anyway. I think my sin is L U S T. like big time. if this is the case, this would explain why i was so lustful, even as a child. Like i said earlier, I wasn't molested! ever! ...literally i wish that I WAS. That would make it easier to accept why i'm so hypersexual. if this was the case, thenit wouldn't be my fault. it would be the faultof someone who raped me, stole my innocence, planted the seed of lust that grew into this person who i hate today. BUT NO. its literally........just me. myself.I. I am the only one with blood on my hands. I am the one who let my deadly lust spill out to the people i was supposed to protect. The ones who trusted me. Who loved me. Expected me to protect them. Instead I used my power over themto bring myself to orgasm. A powerrful orgasm that WAS SO GOOD, it fucked me up for the rest of my life. NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE THINGSD LIKE THAT. Thats why ytou are reuined after. And so? what??? I punish myself. daily. I let myself pretend im good. I do good in the world and make others feel good. i fake orgasms to make others happy. but idlk?????? likkkeee........ i feel like i dont deserve a normal life. you know? because of what ice inflictedon others. and i dont want my bf to think that im punishing myself by being with him (b/c i do love him and i do love living and being w/ him).....iiiiidkkkk.... thisd has been a really all over the place entruy. anyway. Illl try to uopate the site more. idk how i feel rn., i just want all the ppl i love to be happy. my sibs, my parents, jakey,, his family, my dogsd.... like i just want them all to be happy and OK. i dont care ahbout myself. i woulddisappear if it meant they could all b happy and successful. i dont care ahout me. *woof

2/12/2023 9:42am

haven't checked in for a while! lots happened.. for 1 thing. jake got covid on his trip, so as soon as he got back, we had to go into isolation. lol. so its been lonely. last couple weeks at work have been weird and rough in places, so it was nice to be able to just chill with my friends over the weekend and not think about it so much. anyway! still hard at work trying to figure out how to make my website look cool! i am having such a great time just browsing websites and looking at the resources that have been laid out for newbies like me. I'm getting a lot more into the DESKTOP lifestyle again. I need to get off my stupid phone more. I don't even use social media that much, but even with my 1 account on tumblr, i find myself constantly refreshing, opening the app, closing the app, rinse, repeat. its dumb. Like I don't even follow that many ppl, so refereshing is OFTEN fruitless even if I do it 9 times. AND they just updated the app and RUDELY fucked with the entire layout to promote their stupid fucking store. it's so evil. So anyway. i've been working up the courage to just delete it from my phone and use tumblr exclusively on desktop. Like.. th3e site is better on desktop anyway. And I really love neocities too! Like on my puter I can freely hang around these sick old web places and having a genuinely Good Time on the internet. The problem is I work sooo much...I'm not around my puter all that much.. I only have a few hours to myself every week.. It's so sad. I wish I could reduce my hours. That's.. really not an option rn though. Especially with jake having to take so much time off of work. ugh. fuck capitalism. death to america etc etc etc. anyway. SIGNING OFF..! *woof

1/29/2023 3:21pm

▫ my lover is going away for a week and I will be alone...! Thats scary. Some of my work friends said they'd come hang out with me over the weekend but Im still kinda worried. But! i'm sure it will be fine. I'll use this opprotunity to do lots of self care and watch a lot of the stuff jakey hates lol. I also want to focus more on drawing stuff. I thought about opening up an art blog again but honestly i might just post on main instead. Like I don't really care about having a 'portfolio' or being easily digestable to randoms anymore. i dyed my hair brown/black again and got rid of my slit dye. felt like the era was over. I want to bleach a few peices on the front or the sides eventally, but I'm gonna give my hair a long break to recover. *woof

1/22/2023 3:24pm

▫ Have you ever decided that something you held as a moral truth is suddenl;y unwinding? I sometimes feel umconfortable when I realize that things aren't the way I understood them before.. It's OK to be wrong about stuff. That's why our brains are so melty-meldable and strechy. This isn't about me 'unlearning' some weird shit.. I promise this is a wholesome transition. I have really just decided to let go of something that's caused me a lot of worry and sadness! So its a really good thing. It will make me and my lover so much closer and happier to let go of this source of stress. I hope I can hold myself to this new worldview and stay happy. *woof

my lil wishlist :3