been a WHILE. classic. it's not even surprising anyway, i've never been consistent a day in my life! anyway one of my goals with this site has been reached! I have a photo gallery page now! I wanted somewhere (somewhat) private where I could host my DSI photos, and finally it's been realized! The page is pretty simple just like all my cute lil pages, but I'm proud of myself for whipping it up quickly. At least i';m getting a handle on basic html structure, yknow. anyway, hopefully i'll be getting into more updates in the future.

I don't think I'll ever be able to quit vaping or smoking entirely. It's too comforting to me. I wish I could tbh. I need another coping mechanism that's as efficient as the emotional reset I get from nicotine. I just can't imagine getting through a really hard day at work without it. same with weed tbh. I recently ran out on a Wednesday before getting paid on Friday, and instead of holding off until my payday like I should have, I overdrew my checking account so I could get some cash to buy a cart to hold me over. But like the rest of that week was so bad that I genuinely would have logged tf off if i didn't get high after those shifts. It's sad, but like. this is late capitalism. the nature of work is so devastating that we cling onto the things that help us get through even if those things are hurting us. i don't think that other generations depended on substances as much as we do today. Like not only do i feel like i need to puff a vape every time i get too stressed at work but im also taking amphetamines so my broken brain can keep up with what is being demanded of me. All while we are understaffed and overbooked and taking on things that we don't have the manpower to efficiently do. I don't want to blame my addictions on the state of the world. it seems like a cop out. I know it's my fault for getting myself to the point where I need chemicals to get through the day. But I think that it's also ronald regan's fault partly too. For killing unions in the 80s. A bunch of other guys are at fault too. CIA guys and Joe Biden. That bitch Kirstin Sinema who voted against the minimum wage increase. So whatever. Since I have no power and I'm doomed to live paycheck to paycheck until I die, just as planned by the empire, I might as well be high as fuck when I can be. I don't care.

i have a zoom call w my psychiatrist in a little bit. I hope she doesn't tell me to fuck off since i dont have any money. im pretty sure im overdrawn in my checking account becayse i paid rent and then took cash out of the ATM after because i realized i needed to buy weed. so i took out 80 which means that i probably am around -90 bucks. im too scared to open my banking app. but i get paid on friday so im sure it will be fine. i hope. my credit score? not so much. Its bad I think. Also too scared to check that. oh well tho! who needs it. That shit is FAKE anyway. I already trudged through the 7 circles of securing an apartment and we're already here so as long as I don't get evicted, we should be cool. appointment in 20 minutes now. I'll keep writing after. WOAH IM back! its 1147 now. my psych let me know that since theyre getting rid of the covid extentions for telehealth services, im gonna have to drive up to see her in June. She says I should be fine if I refill before May and she advised me to stock up my addies in case we hit any roadblocks. So yeah, I'll have to drive to anaheim in June and do a short visit with several other patients who are going to have quick checkups and get vitals checked. She said after that, we should be good to refill for the rest of the year. The united states is so insane. But at least this team of health care providers are doing what they can to help people get the meds they need. She's a nice lady. I feel bad that I lie to her a lot (like how I tell her I dont smoke weed lol). But what can you do. Not like thats the most detestable thing I've ever lied about. Anyway, I have some chores to do so I'm signing off. Proud of myself for wiritng 2 weeks in a row! nice!

haven't checked in for a while! lots happened.. for 1 thing. jake got covid on his trip, so as soon as he got back, we had to go into isolation. lol. so its been lonely. last couple weeks at work have been weird and rough in places, so it was nice to be able to just chill with my friends over the weekend and not think about it so much. anyway! still hard at work trying to figure out how to make my website look cool! i am having such a great time just browsing websites and looking at the resources that have been laid out for newbies like me. I'm getting a lot more into the DESKTOP lifestyle again. I need to get off my stupid phone more. I don't even use social media that much, but even with my 1 account on tumblr, i find myself constantly refreshing, opening the app, closing the app, rinse, repeat. its dumb. Like I don't even follow that many ppl, so refereshing is OFTEN fruitless even if I do it 9 times. AND they just updated the app and RUDELY fucked with the entire layout to promote their stupid fucking store. it's so evil. So anyway. i've been working up the courage to just delete it from my phone and use tumblr exclusively on desktop. Like.. th3e site is better on desktop anyway. And I really love neocities too! Like on my puter I can freely hang around these sick old web places and having a genuinely Good Time on the internet. The problem is I work sooo much...I'm not around my puter all that much.. I only have a few hours to myself every week.. It's so sad. I wish I could reduce my hours. That's.. really not an option rn though. Especially with jake having to take so much time off of work. ugh. fuck capitalism. death to america etc etc etc. anyway. SIGNING OFF..!

my lover is going away for a week and I will be alone...! Thats scary. Some of my work friends said they'd come hang out with me over the weekend but Im still kinda worried. But! i'm sure it will be fine. I'll use this opprotunity to do lots of self care and watch a lot of the stuff jakey hates lol. I also want to focus more on drawing stuff. I thought about opening up an art blog again but honestly i might just post on main instead. Like I don't really care about having a 'portfolio' or being easily digestable to randoms anymore. i dyed my hair brown/black again and got rid of my slit dye. felt like the era was over. I want to bleach a few peices on the front or the sides eventally, but I'm gonna give my hair a long break to recover.

Have you ever decided that something you held as a moral truth is suddenl;y unwinding? I sometimes feel umconfortable when I realize that things aren't the way I understood them before.. It's OK to be wrong about stuff. That's why our brains are so melty-meldable and strechy. This isn't about me 'unlearning' some weird shit.. I promise this is a wholesome transition. I have really just decided to let go of something that's caused me a lot of worry and sadness! So its a really good thing. It will make me and my lover so much closer and happier to let go of this source of stress. I hope I can hold myself to this new worldview and stay happy.